The Ash Wednesday Drill

Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, the 40 day-long season of fasting and reflection.

The day started off pretty well, with the normal routine, breakfast, commute, work. Then something out of the ordinary happened. My friend gave me a call, hoping to meet up for coffee. Since I had not seen her since November, I thought, "Why not?" I set off quickly after lunchtime, planning to meet her at Peet's Coffee at the base of the hill from work. I made it to the coffee shop, only to find that she wasn't there. I received a buzz to find out that she was still at the dealership, ironing out why her car wouldn't start with a brand new battery. I offered to drive to her, only a 10 minute drive. Well, on my way, after exiting the freeway, I was stopped at the corner, right in front of a gas station. Then, WHAM. I was confused at first, and then I realized what happened when I saw the woman behind me in my rearview mirror. She was flipping out. She had rear-ended me.

We pulled into the gas station, and I got out of the car for damage control. Luckily there was no cosmetic damage. However, considering that I had purchased the car less than a month prior, I was livid. Then I assessed the state of the woman who hit me. Late thirties, early forties. Orangy-blond hair. Wrinkles. And she seemed pretty dazed. All she could say was, "I'm so sorry" and "But look there's nothing wrong!" I immediately stopped her to say, "YOU HIT MY CAR". Then she blurted the words, "I don't have insurance." Great. Fantastic. Way to improve my day. Then she said, "Can I have your phone number, I will call you, this will have to come out of pocket." I didn't really care where the money came from, but I did want reimbursement if there was damage done to my car. I asked her promptly for her phone number. Stupidly, I got distracted. I tried to call the number she gave me to make sure it worked. She did seem like she was either on some kind of drug or soon to be violently ill. She looked like she was about to pass out. Of course, I didn't have a pen on me. So the next best thing was my business card. In the jumble of actions that took place, she sped off while I was looking for something and then I drove away with only a phone number -- no name, license plate, or license number. Super.

I was so upset afterwards. I was mad that my car had been hit. I was mad that she didn't have insurance. I was mad that she probably was never going to call me and I was never going to find her. My friend called, and I told her what happened. I was ready to blame her, tell that if I stayed at Peet's none of this would have happened. When I finally met up with her, we sat in my car, lamenting and processing what had happened. Car accidents seem to have this weird way of shaking you up beyond what you ever thought you felt.

Later that evening, I attended the Ash Wednesday service to receive my ashes. I listened the homily from Fr. Jeff -- talking about how our sacrifices should have a positive impact, and yet also really be a sacrifice to where it really is a challenge. That made me think about all the things that I can be thankful for. Then I thought about what had happened and reflected -- I should be happy that it wasn't a bigger accident. I should be happy that I wasn't hurt. I should be happy that it was a tiny ding and realize that a car is just a material (though important) possession.

This Ash Wednesday, not only being much earlier than usual, has been different. I haven't set any firm sacrifices beyond giving up the snooze button and fast food. The snooze button is a sacrifice if you are me and rely on hitting it at least three times before waking up. I'm going to try and let things that anger me go and find more inner peace (I've been reading a lot of Body+Soul a la Martha Stewart). And recently, I've become more and more a believer that everything happens for a reason. The cosmic balance and karma and chi. I hope the next 40 days prove to be a learning experience.

Power of Prayer

I found this old post from what will be two years ago. I think it's still relevant and I am impressed in my own articulation with my struggles in faith.

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This past year, with everything that has happened to me and my family, I've become a stronger believer in the power of prayer. I often used to take prayer for granted, mainly because I was born, raised, and reminded of being Catholic. Being religious. Attending Mass. Praying for the poor, the sick, and the misguided. I never thought it was a big deal. I attended Catholic School throughout my formative years, deliberately choosing to attend a secular university, so I didn't feel compelled to continue a Catholic education. It's not that I ever wanted to renounce my faith; rather I wanted to find it on my own. I didn't want religion and my faith to be a chore. And for all intents and purposes, my first three years of college were used to discover "what else" was out there.

I finally had the choice. Yes, the choice of what classes to take. The choice of what parties to go to. The choice of whether or not to attend Mass. I had the choice, something that is very liberating , especially when you are 18-yrs-old. I think that in spite of my new found freedom, I still made good choices. I wasn't blinded by the prospect of non-stop partying. However, I was enticed with the notion that I could make the decisions about my faith. So for two years, I made the conscious decision to sleep in Sunday mornings. I thought that I would be fine without God in my life, and then I came to my senses.

I wouldn't consider myself a very religious person, although I do attend Mass, and I do pray. Instead, I feel like I have a strong sense of spirituality. I spend a good number of years searching for something to believe in. I was always a good student. I was always a good "kid". I always followed the rules. However, I felt hesitant in the faith department. I never thought I could share these issues with any of my family; I didn't want them to think I had turned atheist or agnostic. I won't deny that I questioned organized religion for some time. I suppose that when you come from an environment where religion is an established component of life, it's difficult to question it and imagine yourself without it. That's probably why I took time in college to explore my secular side. I thought that I could handle myself without a belief system - without God. As I began to become more involved in Kaibigang Pilipino, I surrounded myself with other students of the background I could identify myself with. College-aged. Filipino-American. Questioning. Religious. I became closer friends with those who attended Bible Study. I never really understood what Bible Study was, but I respected my friends for their strong faith in God. And finally, I had the choice about my faith. I chose to explore it. I found a church that I liked. I started attending on my own accord, because I wanted to and I liked it. Since then, I think my faith has grown.

When my aunt was in the hospital in the fall, prayer was my only outlet. I was too far away to visit. I prayed daily when I found out that she had a stroke. I wanted to see her again, and not in a hopsital bed, or worse. I did not want to see another aunt pass. I sent petitions online to the Our Lady of Lourdes site, and Our Lady of Fatima site. (Oh the wonders of the internet). I prayed long and hard, and sent emails to my friends to keep her in their prayers. And she recovered, beautifully. I think all of the good intentions, prayers, and faith were a core component to her recovery. And so, my faith has grown.

Finally, I feel as though my wonderful boyfriend is an answer to my prayers for friendship. I have found someone that I can connect with on so many levels, and who I care for deeply. I never thought that I could be this happy, but I am. I pray about our relationship because we are far apart from each other physically, but otherwise, we are side by side on the same wavelength. We have a little mantra - Hope, Wish, and PRAY. I want us to grow stronger together, with a bond that no distance can sever. He's wonderful. I'm so thankful.

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I'd like to add a few more prayers to the list since this entry.

I want to pray for my dad. He was the victim of an "RIF" or reduction in force and his last day was back in October. I pray that he receives a job offer soon. Any company would be more than lucky to add him to their team. He's been diligently applying to jobs and attending meetings. I know it's just a matter of time.

I want to pray for my sister, for her continued success in high school, acceptance to the college of her choice, and that she grows as a person as she enters the next stage of life as a young adult. I know that she will be great.

I want to pray for my mom. With everything going on - sister in school, dad out of a job, all the while working and pursuing a master's degree - I pray for her success and strength to meet all of life's challenges.

I want to pray for my relationship with my boyfriend. I want us to grow in faith and love together, knowing that what we have is a partnership built on complete trust and steadfast love. I hope that we will someday never have to say, "goodbye" for more than a few days.

I want to pray for my boyfriend's brother as he graduates from college and takes the next big step in life. I hope that he follows God's guidance and finds the path that will bring him success and happiness. I pray that he eliminates any obstacles that are holding him back from accomplishing his goals.

I want to pray for myself. In the coming year, I would like to see self-growth and courage to talk - about myself, my life, and share these things with my family and friends freely. Talking about big issues has always been difficult as I fear conflict. I choose non-confrontational paths as it is the "easy" way out. However, I know that in order to make forward progress, I'll have to suck it up and take a leap of faith. I will not let fear stifle me in 2008.